One only had to read a newspaper or turn on the television, radio or computer this week to understand why single mothers are angry. Three of the four men who have formally filed lawsuits accusing Bishop Eddie Long of coercing them to engage with him in inappropriate sexual relationships have one distinct thing in common: a single mother.
Surely these mothers thought they were doing a good thing by pairing their young, impressionable boys with a successful, family-oriented, bible-knowing man of the cloth. Now they have to wonder if their children were better off fatherless than allegedly bamboozled, molested, and ultimately, betrayed by this father figure. Although this torrid tale has no winners, parents can choose to look past the anger and see a teachable moment for themselves and an opportunity to start an honest, unflinching dialogue with their children.
Predators can be anyone, anywhere
Parents must stop teaching children that people are safe because of their professions. It cannot be okay for children to go to someone's house or spend time with them just because they are a teacher, a coach, a parent, a cop, a church member, or a pastor. We live in a gritty, nasty world where some bad people labor in these professions in order to harm children without detection.
Predators live in housing projects and gated communities. They ride on the city bus and drive Maybachs. Parents must teach children that people are not necessarily good because of how they look on the surface. The surface of a lake looks to be as smooth as glass until it is disturbed. Parents need to start being pebble-throwers for their children. Trouble the water.
Predators can be overly generous
The truth is not always a bucket of rose petals and sunshine. A person or situation that seems to be too good to be true usually is. The young men that have accused Bishop Long all have similar tales of being lavished with money, expensive gifts, and trips. Parents have to teach children that there are usually strings attached to gifts of this nature.
Single mothers can be lured into believing this to be the act of a generous person out of desperation to have a male role model in their children's lives, an inability to give their children such expensive presents, or a combination of both. However, there are very few people who are that generous without expecting something in return. This is not generosity. This is bait.
Parents, kids should trust their gut
In my house, we call the feeling in the pit of the stomach that someone or something is not okay "the ickies." In health class, it's called fight or flight. People are nothing more than civilized animals, and society is the wilderness. As animals, we come equipped to sense a bad situation before we enter into it.
Decades of sitcoms and idealism have groomed us to trust external surroundings rather than our internal BS meter. Because the children of single parents can sometimes feel that a key component of their lives is missing, they are more vulnerable to the wilderness. Parents must show children that "the ickies" provide a means for their protection. Examine the surroundings, but trust the gut.
Parents should listen to gossip
This is one sin that may spare your child undue trauma. As we get older, we find that, unfortunately, there is a grain of truth to most rumors. There may not be anything concrete, just the talk of some of the moms at soccer practice, or the altos during choir rehearsal.
If the rumor concerns someone who may come in contact with their child, then there is nothing wrong with the parent taking note. This can be especially hard for single mothers when the rumors concern someone who is a potential significant other, or may hold the key to a better job that allows them to spend more time with their child. However, there is nothing wrong with not using your child to test your faith in a person's character.
Single mothers have to transform this anger at these heinous allegations into action in order for their children to be safe. Teach them that reputation is how one conducts himself in the light, and character is how he conducts himself in the dark. Safe people have good reputations and great character. Love your kids, listen to them, stand up for them, and pray for them to safely navigate this wilderness.
SOURCES
Christian Boone, "Bishop Eddie Long: 4th lawsuit filed; Long tells followers 'We will arise'," Atlanta Journal-Constitution, September 24, 2010, Accessed October 2, 2010, http://www.ajc.com/news/dekalb/bishop-eddie-long-4th-620773.html.
Diana Bridgett, "Who Will Pray for the Young Men?" Hope Today Magazine, September 22, 2010, Accessed October 2, 2010, http://www.hopetodaymagazine.com/article_news_Commentary_Who_will_Pray_for_the_Young_Men.html.
"Fourth Lawsuit Filed Against Georgia Pastor," CNN, September 24, 2010, Accessed October 2, 2010, http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/09/24/georgia.pastor.lawsuit/index.html?iref=allsearch.
"The Fight or Flight Response to Stress," Michigan State University Olin Health Center, Accessed October 2, 2010, http://olin.msu.edu/thefightorflightresponsetostress.php.
State Court of Dekalb County, Georgia, Anthony Flagg vs. Eddie L. Long; New Birth Missionary Baptist Church, Inc.; and The LongFellows Youth Academy, Inc., Civil Action No. 10A32029-4, September 21, 2010, http://www.ajc.com/multimedia/archive/00671/Lawsuit_filed_by_An_671969a.pdf.
State Court of Dekalb County, Georgia, Jamal Parris vs. Eddie L. Long; New Birth Missionary Baptist Church, Inc.; and The LongFellows Youth Academy, Inc., Civil Action No. 10A32053-4, September 22, 2010, http://www.ajc.com/multimedia/archive/00671/Lawsuit_filed_by_Ja_671743a.pdf.
"Who are the Victims?" Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), Accessed October 2, 2010, http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims.
LaMonique Hamilton - LaMonique Hamilton is a writer and woman in progress. She is the author of Under Every Deep and is a contributor to the Women in ...
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